Not Paid Enough For This
by Reyavie
Summary: Good thing Harbinger never learned Shepard's major flaw. It'd win the war using a small brewery.


_AN - Reply to the Consequences Challenge from CMDA. Prompts: Kal'Reegar, Doctor Chakwas (characters), Omega (place) and "Where do babies come from?" (question)._

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In Kal'Reegar's experience, Commander Shepard was many things. A good fighter, a very impressive biotic (though he mostly saw her smash herself against people, he couldn't deny it did the trick), a passable diplomat (he might have cheered when she punched his Admiral. Or coughed, he definitely just coughed) and a good friend. All this had given him a somewhat biased image of the black haired woman.

The quarian should have suspected something was very wrong when her crew started to push away. Bells should have started to ring when they started to laugh. Ancestors help him, why hadn't his internal alarm blared away when she started clinging?

"Daddy, where do babies come from?"

The entire Normandy Crew deserved a rocket launcher up their collective behinds as far as he was concerned.

He continued to drag the woman as gently as possibly through the dark halls of Omega, It was a complicated motion purely because Shepard was strongly against it. Every time he tried to open the doors on their way, she would slip away from his arms. The first time had ended up with the Alliance Commander making a close encounter with a wall. The second had left her crying while hugging one of Omega's residents, a poor Krogan who almost fell on his knees once Kal'Reegar convinced her to stop choking the man.

Alcohol didn't just bring out the inner child Shepard harbored. It virtually pushed her out, armed her with all manner of viscous, explosive and spiky weapons and encouraged her with a continuous amount of cheering.

"Well, Marine. Are you going to answer your daughter or not?"

The door opened in front of him – in time as well, Shepard was beginning to fuss again – revealing Doctor Chakwas. Everything in the woman spoke of careful efficiency – the short hair, the hawk-like eyes, the subtle change in stance – everything but the subtly turned lips, evidencing a great deal of amusement at his expense.

All of them. A Cain blast directly up their unmentionables. He was a good marine, why was he suffering?

"You are a horrible woman, doctor."

Chakwas patted away an invisible stain in her pristine uniform.

"I am simply not the one who thought hitting the Commander over the head after she has had four bottles of tequila is a good idea." It wasn't him! How would he know she would think charging anything while drunk was a good idea? How would he know she would do it again once she missed the first intended target? "Therefore, I will not deal with the consequences. Or, at least, I will not deal with them by myself."

Shepard raised her head from his shoulder, blinking slowly at the unknown voice. "Mommy? Can I have another drink?"

A quick mental photograph of that couple sent his brain directly into short-circuit.

"I honestly hope she never asked that to her real mother," the doctor said simply, a hand reaching out to pull black hair away from the Commander's sweaty forehead. "It would make me question parenting styles on Mindoir. By the love of God, officer. Stop standing so stiffly, she's drunk, not sick." He might feel better if the Commander took her arms away from his mask and stopped babbling. He couldn't catch two words string together but the mention of 'bath', 'night', 'milk' and 'story' were strong enough to make him run for the hills. "Let us get inside. Mordin gave me his entrance chit, we should be able to find something in his office to set her straight. Every time, I swear, it's like she can't learn to avoid this."

What were those noises the Commander was making?

"Doctor?"

"And they don't stop her. What is she, a comedy TV show? Good God."

Why was she…? Shepard tightened her hold a bit more before letting go and bending over. A thoroughly inhuman screech filled the hallway as something projected itself out of her organism and.

Humans were incredibly disgusting creatures.

"She's definitely sick now," he informed the suddenly silent doctor, trying very hard not to look down at the lovely brown spots covering his suit from top to bottom and then some.

Chakwas didn't comment. Her eyes followed the trails down to the fallen Commander before sighing, a hand rubbing one temple as if extra strain against her brain would make this scene go away. Kal'Reegar would have done the same had his helmet not been in the way.

"EDI?" Something on her wrist made a pleasant sound, notifying the opening of a communication channel. "Please try to delete all recordings of what happened here. Speak to Aria if necessary. Last thing we need is Harbinger being aware you can bring down the mighty Commander Shepard with a steady flow of alcohol."

The groaning mound of flesh on the floor raised a bit before deciding curling up on herself was far less uncomfortable.

"On second thought, Miss EDI," Kal'Reegar interrupted, grabbing the doctor's wrist before the communication was cut off, careful enough to make sure the uniform was no longer as pristine as before. "Wait until we're done."


End file.
